There’s nothing like that ‘fresh baby’ feel. I remember it well. Only just out of hospital, and being a Dad for the first time. I triple checked the car seat mounting, looked twice before entering every intersection. Walking a little taller than usual… kind of like levelling up in life. This Dad gig is pretty damn cool.

I was as prepared as any man can be, and fully ready to embrace my new responsibilities. There was nothing I couldn’t do!

It was a routine check up at the doctors for his mum, and as proud parents, with a brand new Bub, we did attract much adoration in the waiting room. I was happy to soak it up, while she saw the doctor. Couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.

As I stared at him lovingly, I noticed a change in his facial expression; something I hadn’t seen before.

Oh….. shit.

As his face grew redder, I could feel the rumble down below, and a stench that wafted out, like it had legs of its own.

I grabbed the nappy bag, and asked the receptionist if there was somewhere I could change him. I must have commanded some attention, because a nurse appeared and I could hear the theme music playing for E.R as we sped down the hallway and she ushered me into.. well, a surgery.

I laid him down on the table, “Right, lets see what we’ve got here“, as I peeled off the nappy.

Holy Mother of God, what a mess.

The nurse was still with me, so I called “wipes” and she diligently handed me a wipe.

“Keep them coming”

The wipes were practically just spreading the black tar around. Now it wasn’t only on his bum, but down his legs as well, on his toes and on my fingers. I realised, I’m in trouble.

Beads of sweat were forming on my forehead, as I furiously tried to clean him up. How does so much shit come out of such a small human? I called for more wipes, one for him and one for my forehead.

He kicked his legs, and laughed.

With a toxic waste disposal bin full, I was finally satisfied, and the nurse handed me some powder, then a fresh nappy. I got him dressed again, double checked there was no crap on his new clothes, thanked the nurse and took a seat back in the waiting room, just as his mum finished with the doctor, reappearing fresh as a daisy.

I walked out of there, a mere shadow of the man who had walked in, but from here on in, I knew I had this.